Jan 25, 2013 (First time I heard my baby’s heart beat)
Your father and I have many a times chased the ultimate question. ‘Why do we exist?’ Our silly curiosity made us develop a few funny ‘Theories of Existence’.
Like, Theory No.1: We are aliens on the Earth. The Earth never had native life. The first single cell prokaryotes came on Earth from some other planet. Evasion and survival is our sole aim. We have evolved all these years to equip ourselves for the next evasion plan. We suck up resources and move out.
Theory No. 2: Humans are made up of 2 different sources = earthly matter with desires called human body + invisible energy source called soul (I have assumed that the soul is an amalgam of all energy forms). A Soul cannot be destroyed or created. But can transform from one form to another. We have existed and we will exist forever in different forms.
Darling baby, you may think we are crazy. But to be frank, I have not been in my right mind lately.
Our last visit to the doctor wasn’t a great one. So I decided to numb my intense feelings by continuing my job from home and also write this letter to you. I was told that in a week we would know if you ever existed. Everything felt meaningless. I was told the gestational sac looked empty. For a day or two, I kept looking at the sonography images just hoping to see a small grain like dot which the doctors might have missed. The empty sac kept reminding me how empty I felt inside without you. Even the thought of you not existing was making me insane. Loved ones said there is a grieving process that I may go through and it will take some time. I already felt anxious and angry but I knew I can’t just give up. I decided to stay POSITIVE and HAPPY. I stopped googling about early pregnancy miscarriages. I stopped taking advice from others. I decided to just take it slow and wait it out.
I never in my life had any conflict with GOD. I have always had faith in HIM and accepted the fact that everything happens for good. But I was just not ready to accept this. I cried my eyes out literally arguing with GOD in my head. I fought with HIM for doing this to us and pleaded with Him to fix this.
That evening we went for a follow-up pelvic ultrasound to check for viable pregnancy with your maternal grandparents and father. I was still bleeding and didn’t know what was wrong with you. All I wanted was some assurance that you were fine.
The ultrasound technician kept looking on the screen for several mins and at last he smiled at me. The technicians are advised not to give out too much information to patients. But this person went out of his way and helped us. He could clearly see how anxious we all were. He smiled and told us that there was a strong HEARTBEAT and the fetal pole was visible. He even hinted that the placenta could be low due to which I was bleeding, and that it may correct its position on its own in the next 4-5 months.
Honestly, I had stopped listening to him the moment he said fetal heartbeat is present. I could see your heartbeat flickering on the screen and I could hear my own heartbeat pounding with joy. My child, the human brain is very complicated. A little while ago I was worrying about having a miscarriage and the next moment, I started planning for nursery wall colors and your homecoming clothes.
My baby, your heartbeat is a living proof of the love your father and I have shared. It’s the proof of human survival on earth. It’s the proof of my strong faith in GOD. You exist and that is what matters the most.
Sweet heart, we love you more than you can ever imagine.